Time to polish your flag pin and pack your pocket Constitution, this weekend is convention time!

Can you believe it’s already been two years since the disastrous 2014 IDGOP convention? The Moscow Melee, as it was known, ended with the state party failing to finish any of its scheduled business. A frustrated convention chairman, Rep. Raul Labrador commented, “Now I know how Boehner feels.”

Stephen-Yates-MATTE
Stephen Yates

This time things will be different. That’s according to state party chairman Stephen Yates. In May, he unveiled the IDGOP convention’s motto of “faith, family, freedom…firearms,” saying these Idaho Republican values are superior to the values of all other members of the human race, who he compared to Pee Wee Herman at Burning Man.

According to Yates, this year’s motto will be in stark contrast to the last IDGOP convention motto: “anger, attitude, antipathy…a**holes.”

Another key to a smooth convention is picking the proper guest speakers. For this year’s convention, there’s a big ole check mark on the box that says “Bestest guest speakers ever.” Feast your eyes on this lineup.

GOP-speakers-MEME

This dynamic cast of characters is bound to bring calm to the agitated conservative throng, whether it’s boy wonder Buck Sexton, black-hearted billionaire Foster Friess, Wall Street Journal climate denier Kimberley Strassel, or ex-NRA president David Keene.

Best of all, they fit into motto of “faith, family, freedom…firearms.”

FAITH

Buck-Sexton-MATTEAlthough his name makes him sound like a porn star, Buck Sexton knows a few things about faith. He believes climate change is “a religion for people who think they are too smart for religion.” Hopefully that smarty-pants Pope learns a lesson from Buck.

As a stand-in for both Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, Sexton also knows a thing or two about smart people. He talks to tons of them every day. What’s more, Sexton has no training in climate science. However, he does have a degree in political science from Amherst College. And to his audience, that’s close enough.

 

FAMILY

Foster_Friess_MATTEWhen you think about “family,” the image of a billionaire from Wyoming is probably the first thing that comes to mind — right after an apparition of Rick Santorum (do not Google his last name).

Foster Friess was a BIG supporter of Santorum in 2012. In one of his more family-oriented moods, Friess told a horrified Andrea Mitchell, “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.” Friess likes family so much, he’s even willing to play the roll of drunken, misogynistic uncle. That’s dedication.

 

FREEDOM

Kimberley-Strassel-MATTENothing says freedom like Sarah Palin, particularly if you want freedom from traditional sentence structures. In 2008, Kimberley Strassel delivered a glowing story on the quarter-term Alaska governor that she certainly regrets now.

In the next political cycle, she ran to the defense of Idaho billionaire Frank VanderSloot. Cause somebody’s got to have a rich guy’s back. Strassel claimed the Obama Administration was targeting VanderSloot, which was later proven false. Meanwhile, VanderSloot’s feelings were hurt, but he recovered. Life can be so unfair for billionaires.

FIREARMS

David-Keene-MATTEDavid Keene — “Baby Doc” as he’s known by his friends — is opinion editor of the Washington Times. No, not the Washington Post. That’s the real newspaper. The Washington Times is the one everybody makes fun of. It’s like the Fox News of antiquity.

Keene also loves guns. I mean he really loves guns. He was the president of the National Rifle Association when Newtown happened, which somehow only made him love guns more. He also passed his love of guns to his son, David Michael, who served a 10-year sentence for shooting at a motorist during a road rage incident in Virginia.

Whoot-whoot!

The countdown is on. In just hours, the 2016 IDGOP convention is going to be on like Donkey Kong. The best part is no matter what happens, it will be better than last year.

Even so, the IDGOP is trying to keep expectations as low as possible. For this year’s convention they’re aiming for something between the Hindenburg and Trump University.

Godspeed IDGOP.

Godspeed.

Steve-yates-the-great-Buck-Sexton-MATTE