America’s post-Newtown gun culture is a bizarre pairing of the American man’s fear of emasculation with his metro-sexual propensities. Gone are the Norman Rockwell days where guns were only used for hunting and target shooting. That’s boring stuff.

These days, guns are macho fashion accessories. But U.S. gun culture hasn’t stopped there. Guns have also been bent into multi-tools, functioning poorly as saws, stoves and scissors.

That’s right. This isn’t your granddaddy’s gun culture. The notions of safety, responsibility and respectability are out the window. We’ve entered a world of the high-velocity, full metal orgasm.

Let’s take a look.


What’s that on your hip? Is it a purse or a pistol?

For the busy lifestyle, sometimes it’s hard to decide if you should go “Glock” or “Gucci.” Here we have a $998 purse and a $539 hand cannon. Both equally elegant strapped to the side.





Sure, a Gucci handbag will set you back $980, but it will make you look like a movie star.

Alternatively, you could drop $1,150 on a SR-556, which won’t make you look like a movie star (unless Steven Seagal counts), but you will be able to defend your freedoms from the tyranny of the BLM, EPA, judicial branch, Jade Helm 15, and higher education.






For only $39.99, an American messenger handbag (made in China) tells people that you’re a person on the go.

Meanwhile, a Russian bolt-action rifle for $365 tells people that they better get going.


Accesory-bazooka-memePeople will be talking about your healthy outdoor lifestyle when you show up at the trailhead with this $69.99 Kelty bag slung over your shoulder.

But people will really talk about you when you stroll around the neighborhood with a $999 bazooka.

A steel, manganese phosphate coated multi-tool

American gun culture isn’t satisfied with accessorizing breakfast-stained threads with the bling of musketry and the smell of gunpowder. Heck no! That’s why guns have become the Swiss Army knife of the modern age. They take the place of so many tools. For instance, guns can be used as:

A saw — safe

A stove — yum

Stage props — tough


Scissors — okay, that’s just stupid

Labrador shooting gunFrom the Lewiston tribune: “Rep. Raul Labrador was among a handful of dignitaries Wednesday who shot a bucketload of bullets into the ground trying to split a 2-inch-wide orange ribbon. Someone joked the shooters might take down the tree behind the target before cutting up the ribbon. It took a shotgun blast by (an) Idaho County Sheriff’s Deputy…to finally fray the ribbon, marking the opening of the … shooting range.”



Let’s face it…

…times have changed. If you want to fit into the modern gun culture, you’ve got to dispense with those old-timey notions about the proper way to handle a firearm.